Revelations

When your Creative turns around and slaps you in the face...

Hello again world,

There have been a few occasions since joining Substack where I have greeted you this way, once I wrote a whole post on it: Hello Again World which detailed how I clawed my way out of burnout and anxiety.

Well, it’s that time again. I have been dealing with burnout… again. To be honest, I’m fucking sick of it. I don’t feel I have that much to get ‘burnt out’ over. Yes, I have a manic job as a teacher; and yes, I have recently moved to a new school; and yes, I have a toddler… but so many other writers are dealing with the same things, and yet, they’re able to keep up and write daily. So why can’t I?

Now, in a not-so-recent post, I came to the realisation that I am a writer no matter how I write or when I write: I am THAT writer BUT I am still struggling with the fact that I am not given the space or time to really embrace the Creative within me. She is growing manic and depressed and desperate to be released.

So my question, fellow writers, is this: what do I do when life chokes the Creative? What do I do when work and family fight for my time with the Creative? Does the Creative always have to die?

Because right now… my Creative feels like she is dying.

Photo by Mathias Reding on Unsplash

RIP Creative

That is perhaps a tad bit dramatic, but it is something I have recently struggled with. My poor Creative has been grasping onto life. She has so many stories to tell and longs for the time and freedom to express them. Sadly, I keep putting her back into a cold, lifeless cage to focus on teaching, marking, admin jobs, mummying, cleaning, buying presents and all the rest of the shit humans are weirdly expected to do.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had some beautiful, joyful moments whilst mummying and learning the ropes in my new school. But as autumn is upon us, my Creative awakens.

Autumn and Winter, the darkest and coldest of seasons, are the seasons where my Creative comes to life. She thrives in darkness. The changing of the leaves and the ability to snuggle beneath layers of woolen jumpers and blankets, and the crackling wick of a burning candle… that’s her domain.

And today, I listened to her cries. For the first time since the summer holidays (end of August), I have sat down and I have allowed her to take over my body and write this post to you.

So, hello again world…

I am back.

Want to know what finally allowed me to be free? I recently wrote a note which told you all:

Raphy Mendoza, you absolute beaut! Raphy was honesty incredible. A lot of what she said reminded me of Rick Rubin’s The Creative Act. She blended art and mindfulness, philosophy and lifestyle, creativity and business, all into a perfect stew… and I gobbled it up.

As I listened to her talk, one of the most incredible things I took away from the call was when Raphy asked us what is your purpose? And why does it matter? Before then I hadn’t really thought about my purpose as a writer. I’d thought about my purpose as a teacher and a mother. I had completely ignored the Creative. So I decided to ask her: what is your purpose?

Her response was loud and clear: I am a storyteller.

A little glow, deep in my core lit up. So I continued the conversation: and why does that matter?

The Creative said:

Humans are a collection of stories. We need stories to stay alive. They ignite our spirit.

The glow burst into flame and for the first time in ages, I felt in tune with the Creative. I was no longer fighting against her; I was embracing her.

Today:

Which brings me onto the revelation of today (sorry, this is a particularly long post in comparison to what I usually write… bear with me for just a bit longer). Today, after marking and mummying, whilst my son napped and my husband did his car stuff, I decided to stop ignoring the Creative. I put away the rest of my marking and I let the Creative free.

SIDE NOTE: On my writing desk I usually have a deck of oracle cards (yep, I am an oracle card fanatic… I buy a new pack depending on my writing projects or current spiritual awakening. So, if you want to get me a birthday present: oracle cards… and stationery - merci beaucoup). Anyway, I used to have Ancient Egyptian oracle cards because The Book of Khem (I've Written a Book) is inspired by Ancient Egyptian gods… but now I’m writing something new so I replaced the old deck with The Green Witch deck. Today, I pulled the card Longevity. This is relevant to the story I promise…

I pulled this card, intending to return to my novel, but instead, the Creative got excited about Substack. Grabbing notebooks and weekly schedule plans, I started to think of all the weekly posts I could make on Substack. I wanted to continue Tuesday Muse-Day but really vamp it up. I considered creating a Wednesday post called: Witchy/Wellbeing Wednesdays (bit of a mouthful, but I do love crappy alliteration). Then, I thought oooooh let’s do something on the weekend too, like a post about my writing-

SLAP!

My Creative hit me hard across the face, and physically pulled me back into my chair (I tend to lean right on the edge when I’m excited).

Creative had finally had enough.

Listen to me. Each time you come up with these amazing ideas, you get burnout. You can’t keep up with the demand. You lose inspiration and then you feel like a failure. And what happens to me? I become tired, confused, and eventually, locked back into the iron cage. If you really want to write, then write. But do it calmly, mindfully. Be relaxed. Like reading a book or slipping into a hot bath, just do it because it feels good, not because you think that’s what everyone wants from you. I want to be free. So, please, let me be.

I’m sorry, Creative

I know some of you will read this and think it’s perhaps a bit weird I refer to Creative as a separate person. I myself don’t really know why I do it, but I do. It’s the same as how I have Rational Brain and Irrational Brain. But in that moment, hearing Creative plea like that, I realised… she’s right.

I always have the best intentions when it comes to my creativity: I read books to feed her, I write to release her, I experiment to challenge her, I go on courses to educate her… but in the end I always end up burning her out.

So, I am sorry, Creative. Truly.

I realise now I need to keep things simple. I need to be my authentic self and just be. Therefore, I will not be scheduling any posts EXCEPT Tuesday Muse-Day (which will be revamped to a weekly oracle card drawing and unpicking that in a Post and commenting on it in Chat). Other posts and notes will just come as and when I feel like putting something out there. When I have something meaningful to share.

My recent pursuit of mindfulness and positive well-being has made me realise it is not just another activity to do, it is a complete shift in mindset and lifestyle. If I am going to let Creative thrive, I need to do something about it. Not just read about it or write about it, but actually fucking do it. If I am going to live mindfully and therefore peacefully, I have to change and grow.

I picked the card ‘longevity’ which means long life. I truly think the Universe is calling to me to nurture and embrace my Creative, so she, and therefore I, can have a long fulfilling life.

So, here we go again world, but this time… let’s really fucking do it x